Clearly (text version)
ClearlyI am deep, I am complicated, I am misunderstoodI am realistic, I am dark, sometimes too scary for youI am lost, so far away, in distant places and time, future and pastI am light, so carefree and fun, but only for brief moments can I lastWhen I speak so clear, straight from my heart, you just can't see what I am sayingMy breath wastedI leave you confusedWhen I try to find the words, to make you understand what I am meaningMy thought vanishedI'm left unfulfilledMy heaviest thoughts I keep from youBecause I know you're not strong enoughAll my tears I try and hide from youBut sometimes I can't, it's just too roughWhen my presence is gone you think that I must not careBut I'm feeling 'bout so many things, too much to bearI just shut down, there is no more left of me to spareWe can look at the same thing but something different is seenPlease don't be afraid to understand what to me it does meanYou worry that I am too weak and will fall apartYou think you are strong enough to keep me togetherI worry you're too tough to really perceive my heartAnd I know your fears hold your mind just like a tetherSo much does not need to be misheard, left unspokenClearly knowing me will not leave you hurt and broken
This is my longest poem to date. It is also my deepest writing. I don't know? Maybe having a fatally ill child has made me process grief and loss more intensely than most people I know? I am really starting to think that I can not handle anymore grief and loss, that I've already reached my quota.
Fall is a really tough time for me. I am always caught off guard wondering why I am feeling kind of blue and then it dawns on me that it is the anniversary of my Dear Grandpa Miller passing away. The fall of 2015 was extra tough as mid November was also the one year anniversary of the worst text message I ever received and coping with my mom coming as close to death as humanly possible from some freak event called a car accident.
Mom was in the hospital for one month and it really shook dad up, he could not sleep haunted by the vision of mom. He was not driving or in the accident but seeing her unconscious on the pavement and then her coming to in terrible pain and uncontrollably shivering, well I can't even imagine how horrible it was. And get this, it was right in front of the gate at the cemetery across the road from their house. Standing there absolutely terrified waiting for the ambulance to come all Dad could do is stand there as a human shield trying to block the bitter wind at the top of the hill for her. And of course there is always Duchenne hanging over my head and it is so hard watching your young son decline right before your very eyes. It just seems like all the people in my life shutdown any conversation that starts to get deep. I am unsure if they just can't get deep, don't want to be deep or are afraid of deep. I knew I was overdue for a purge and all these words just started coming to me. I thought I better start writing it down and ended up with the above poem.